Wednesday, May 19, 2010


It was a some what heavy day...but it turned out much better in the end. See some issues had been weighing on me. I woke up this morning and wasn't feeling joyful. When things become too weighted, I have a tendency to kind of shut down....which means I stop talking...But thank God for my spiritual sister....I thank God for her everyday. She has been able to penetrate my wall and I have been able to talk about deep issues and the things that I go through spiritually. She tells me to just breathe and silence my mind.....alot!! I tend to think too much at times.

So today I hit her with a string of questions. About me. (Mind you, I have already questioned God about all this). Trying to figure out why I feel the way I do and what could be causing me to to be having such a hard time with myself. See, there are times when I do not see the things others say they see in me. I keep trying to figure out why I am having such a problem with this. There are problems in our lives that seem to be the catalyst for other things.

She prays for's a wonderful thing to have friends who pray for you.....
I began to listen to a sermon.....why this particular one, I now know, but at the time I didn't..... The sermon title.."Release for the bondage of Rejection"....

Romans 15:7 "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God."

The preacher says rejection is the most painful emotion there is. Then he goes on to speak about 'self-rejection'
Self-rejection says before I can believe something good about myself, someone that I think is important has to accept me. ( What is supposed to matter most is how God accepts me)
He starts speaking on the characteristic feelings of self-rejection:
1.critical spirit
2.feel inferior
3. spirit of perfectionism (when you have this, you can become a procrastinator...if something is not done perfectly then it doesn't get done at all due to fear of criticism)
4. floating anger and bitterness
5.Easily hurt (the person drives people off) (Most of these he describes, I have been)
Why does this happen? either rejection from parents early in life, in the past someone hurt them very deeply, from divorce.....

As I listen to the preacher say 'in the past someone hurt them very deeply...' something popped into my mind. Something I had never thought of until now. Something I had never really knew I needed to deal with. I was raised with a very strict father. Never dated until after I graduated from high school. I went to live with my mom and started dating this guy. I was still a virgin at the time. Had no intention of having sex or even really thought about it. This guy and I started hanging out alot. I was usually with my sister, her boyfriend, me and my boyfriend. One day we were all at his house. I don't know how things got started, but things started happening. I wasn't happy about it and wanted and told my boyfriend to stop. He didn't and things happened anyway. I can't even tell what thoughts or feelings I had at that time, but I stayed with him for awhile after that day. One day he decides that I need to 'experience the world before becoming serious'.  So basically he took what was precious to me and then dumped me!

Then as life continued, I kept getting rejected. Never being taught the proper way to have a relationship with a guy, what I should allow or not allow. Not having much acceptance. I don't even really know how I got married....that wasn't a good relationship either. I wooed my ex-husband into loving me, but I really wasn't in love with him. It's like I get into a relationship and then do everything I can to make sure they love me only to wind up rejected and hurt. Never receiving the proper love or acceptance.  So I ended up trying to protect myself. I came across alot of unavailable men. Not any who were married...I don't cross those lines. But guys that I eventually find out they are either in a relationship or they are just coming out of one (which is not good either, they still have issues).
Now I get why I am so hard on myself and had issues with accepting myself.....

But I praise God so very much.....He not only shows us the things that don't belong in us, but He also shows us that He loves us and He sees us as worthy. He made the ultimate sacrifice for us. Although what He shows me may hurt, it is so worth it to know that He will help heal me and continue to make me whole. He has something for me to do and the only way I can do it in the best way possible and for His glory is to be cleansed, shaped and molded into His image. I still may have a ways to go, but I thank God I am not as I used to be. I pray for those who have not dealt with or even know what past issues affect their present lives.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

God Bless!

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