My devotional reading this morning was titled "Draw Near to God". It was interesting because even before I started my devotional, I had just awakened from a bad dream. I was thinking of whatever was of God to get the heaviness of that bad dream off me. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you". Then this scripture came to mind: James 4:7 "7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you"
Anyway, this devotional was speaking about how if we open ourselves to God, He will open up to us. That it seems we were the ones who initiated a relationship with God when in fact it was He that first came to us, we were just responding to His call. He does this through sometimes painful and desperate situations.
So what came to mind was how He called me. It was through a broken relationship that devastated the core of my being. I had never felt pain like this and looking back never want to again. Everyone goes through different kinds of brokenness. I didn't grow up in the church and the only time I did go to church was when my grandparents took me over the summer when we would visit. Little did I know that was the setting up for where I am today. (Thank you Jesus)
It was never that I didn't believe in God, I would go to church here and there, but never was fully into it or a relationship with God. I used to almost always make bad choices concerning relationships. Nothing abusive, just people who turned out to be bad. ( ok, now I realize through God, these people had alot of issues)...
Anyway, this one particular relationship, last 1.5 years. The way it ended was terrible. I felt like I had my heart ripped out of my chest. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I even had a family member give me a sleeping pill to help and it didn't! My cousin, love her to death, told me to open my bible and read it. At this point in my life, it was the first time I had experienced 'depression'. Never, ever, ever do I want to go there again.
So I opened my bible, but I couldn't even read it. Funny thing is, when I held the bible at my chest, I was able to go to sleep. God is good. He knew what I needed even though I couldn't utter any words to Him. To make a long story really short, He was the reason I came through that period of my life. He was calling me. In the most painful way I could ever imagine. But He called me. It still took me a while to respond the right way, but at this moment in my life, I can not imagine my life without Him. To think of what He pulled me through. I couldn't do it on my own and neither could my family help me. (Not even the short lived therapist I saw could help....so I stopped going to her)
It was nothing but God. To look at a person, you never know what they have been through. What I know is, no matter how painful certain situations have been in my life, I am grateful and thankful God has been there to get me through. Not only that, He has allowed me to be understanding to others when I see them go through things and try to help them and support them. See how can you help someone if you've never experienced something yourself? It doesn't necessarily have to be the same things, but the emotions are there....feeling lost, helpless, hurt, pain,.....
It was all in His plan to bring to me where I am today. Walking with Him, talking with Him, and allowing myself to be used to do His work.
All I can say is thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus. Without you I am nothing....You are my everything!