Last night, I had this overwhelming feeling of love. Not towards anyone in particular. It was just that I felt it was still possible. That I still believe in it.
Ok, so I have to back up and explain a little. I have gone through my life not really knowing what true love is. Not what people say love is because that type is such a disappointment and not real, to me. Never really seen what true love is. Had a small glimpse, between my grandparents, but I was not around them long enough to fully see it. Not between my parents, my family, my friends. The love I have always seen seems to be so conditional.
If you make me mad, I don’t love you anymore. If you disappointment me, I don’t love you anymore. If you hurt me, I don’t love you anymore. Because you are flawed, I don’t love you anymore. That’s just crazy! (Regardless of all the stupid things we might do or say or even when we have the audacity to walk away from Him, He still loves us!)
So, it is now no wonder why my marriage didn’t work. It wasn’t real love, to me. (Just a random pick of an example)
Anyway, because of bad relationships in my life, whether family or otherwise, I was having a hard time believing in love. Now as far as relationships go……blah!!!
I don’t see any true ones anymore! Not lasting, not true….so why would I feel it would be there for me? Had one failed marriage under my belt and I don’t want another one. People don’t seem to stay true to each other. Then there are people who stay together just out of comfort or fear of being alone…..So as I was watching this movie last night, that overwhelming feeling came over me. I still believe in love! Man was it ever so strong! I woke up this morning and of course, the feeling has left the building! What is going on? I’m conversing with God about this. What is the problem? Why wouldn’t it stay? Then I get this, ‘because the enemy doesn’t want you to do things God’s way!’….WOW….
See along with the thoughts about still believing in love, came the thoughts about the intimacy that is shared between man and woman. That intimacy I want with someone I am in love with as well as that person being in love with me. My mind continues to go on the thought of how magical it will be when it happens, between the two people God intends to be together!
So as I was listening to some sermons today, my mind goes back to this love thing. The thoughts that came in were one that made me want to cry. I had prayed to God before when I was discussing love with Him, I said, “Lord, I say I love you because I do, but I need You to make me feel it in my heart…..I need to feel it there….” And that’s exactly what He keeps trying to do. (See this isn’t the first time I have had this overwhelming love feeling…I just now know what it is!) Who else can give you such an overwhelming feeling like that? No person, I tell you that! He keeps trying to get me to feel love in my heart! When I feel it that strong, it’s not because of anybody….it’s because of Him. But I need to do things His way….there is no other way. He is and always will continue to be amazing to me. His wonders never cease!
Forgive me if it seems like my thoughts are all over the place. It happens like that sometimes.
God is good and He never stops amazing me and I’ll never stop being amazed by Him, as long as I keep my eyes on Him.
Thank you Jesus!!!